Posts tagged words.

Teen Mom Farrah Abraham writes a book without any writing skill and releases a song that not even Autotune can salvage.

I thought I’d take a look at the 3 pages MTV released and have a laugh, but the situation is much worse. If I had a physical copy, I’d spit on it. Farrah, you’re one of MTV’s “chosen ones” that represent the girls born in our generation. You earn money, publicity, and the privilege to invade music and literature. Would it kill you to visit a speech therapist? What about an English tutor? What, you’re too busy yelling cunty remarks at your mom? Buying puppies for Babygoo? Should’ve hired someone, beyatch.

What sickens me is that here’s a 21-year-old spoiled brat with money, a TV show, and an apparent modeling career. She’s writing a goddamn book about her life yet she still continues with the unnecessary cynicism and self-pity through poorly placed adjectives. I can picture you rolling your eyes after every sentence. That is, if you even did write the book. Perhaps this memoir is nothing more than a transcription of the bottlenosed narration that we had the misfortune of hearing on TV.

How would a normal human being start this story?

"I was asleep in my parents’ bed when my cellphone rang and woke me up. Sleeping in my parents’ bed wasn’t a usual occurrence for me, but earlier that night my mom invited me to watch a movie and sleep in her room. She was worried about me because my social life was crumbling, making me unhappy and lonely.

It was December 28th. The phone was still ringing, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to answer it. My mom was laying quietly on the other side of the bed and I didn’t want her to wake up or eavesdrop on my conversation. Who was calling me? There must be something really dramatic happening, I thought, for someone to be phoning this late. I’d been avoiding my friend group as an attempt to keep away from the gossip, immaturity, and late-night partying that they brought with them. At the time, I was seven months into my pregnancy and filming a show that MTV was going to air soon. Even though I was only seventeen, I wanted to get on a better path and give my baby and myself the best possible life.

My cellphone went silent and the screen lit up with a message: missed call from Kerrie. She was one of the few good friends I had left. It had been a while since the last time that we spoke about our boyfriend problems. She didn’t leave a voicemail, so I figured…”

There you go, Teen Mom. I took your mumbo-jumbo and tidied it up. By the way, your pill-popping habits are in every other tabloid and it seems like you swallowed one too many Xanax when you sat down to write this little Pulitzer winner. Word of advice - next time you want to put words into sentences, reach for the Adderall instead and save that Xanax for the next time you feel like screaming your cunt off at your mother in the presence of a camera. And remember - too many of either and you’ll be a vegetable in the same patch that Amber is currently weeding up.

#teen mom  #book  #funny  #words  #zing  

my lack of motivation is exceptional

i work in the early morning tomorrow, so naturally, instead of having an early night with a book, i worked collage-ifying my bulletin boards, bought cake, and went over to trent and casey’s apartment with haley.

now i just want to stay up all night reading things on the zine library and wishing i took time to make my zine this summer.


That feeling when you put a ton of books on hold and know you’re going to get them soon.


late night thoughts.

  • fun facts about the animal farming industry are always appropriate lunchtime conversation. “is that a turkey sandwich? did you know modern turkeys can’t have sex and have to be artificially inseminated?”
  • constant personal reminders about not giving a fuck most likely mean the contrary.
  • migraines have direct correlations with the times when my mom visits me.
  • perhaps i should date a sixteen-year old bisexual emo girl. boy, do i miss high school.
  • just kidding. i can’t stand people who think they are making a political statement by putting underage boobies for the world to see.
  • one can never own too many dresses.
  • one can never receive enough cuddles from a feline.
  • i hope mataya has an old-fashioned residence party next weekend. i haven’t been this excited to sleep on an ugly red couch in my life.
  • where do you find these people, a nearby waste disposal?


Kurt Vonnegut: Cat’s Cradle

#books  #words  

guess who’s getting a cheap harry potter tattoo the day of the DHpart2 release?

yeah. that’s right. this girl right here.


an open letter to an inbred hemopheliac loser.

my friend’s hair is glorious. glorious, i tell you. of course, only a coward like you would post shit on a private twitter that absolutely nobody reads. for an idiot who’s worn bowl-cut, spock-esque bangs for months, you sure seem to have a lot of hair “knowledge”. bitch, let’s get real here. you know nothing. your eyebrows look like they are drawn on with a ballpoint pen. (i don’t know if you got the memo, but human eyebrows have an arch; they don’t go in a straight line across your goddamn eyelid.) you insult people’s tattoos because you are butthurt about the fact that you can’t get one because of your disease.

i hope you get a tattoo, i truly do. maybe it will be something magnificently stupid, to suit your personality, like a jesus fish or a cross. knowing how dumb you are though, you would probably try to spin it off as a gaga tribute.

simply put, this is pathetic. i feel the deepest sorrow for lonely people like you. i’d imagine that after you lose ninety-nine percent of your friends, you would take that as a lesson and develop some social skills. apparently, i was wrong. there must be some deep-rooted issues going on somewhere in the muck between your ears because the way you slander people who are so far above you is entirely childish and pitiful.

shouldn’t you be in your christian university-college studying the bible, instead of posting unchristian things on your petty twitter?

p.s. nice try on trying to rip me off on the gaga pop can hair. to be perfectly frank, i did it first and did it better. the goddamn telephone video came out over a year ago. someone is a little late.

p.p.s. if you are allergic to grapes, how the fuck do you drink wine?

p.p.p.s. have fun trying to be me! good to know you never grew up. god bless the days when you would invite me to your house, bring out your mom, point to whatever i’m wearing that day and say “mom! i want shoes/jacket/shirt like that”!

i hope every single one of my 516 followers sees this and shakes their head.

this is addressed to my dear friend. her hair looks like this:

from a bitch who look like this:

nice eyebrows you got there, turd. taking pictures in the safeway parking lot, hey? let me guess, mommy was inside doing groceries. how cute. was she buying kool-aid jammers and fruit roll ups for her baby angel? i do wonder how she would respond to an email telling her the real things her daughter has been up to through all these years. she woud be heartbroken to hear her daughter started sucking dick when she was barely fifteen.

to anyone still reading, take a second to follow ninelions and her nail tumblr lace-nail-art.

to do list

(because if i put it on tumblr and don’t stick to it, it will be embarassing, right? right.)

  • go get a library card. right now. just let me put some pants and lipstick on. even though i hate pants, it’s overcast outside and my legs are, well, hairy. plus, i only get to experience the joy of pants (ha, as if) for another month longer until i get my next tattoo.
  • stop by michaels to check out fake flowers. i can no longer have real flowers because first off, eloise eats them when she isn’t supposed to, and second of all, she knocks over the vase and drenches my poor computer. fake flowers sprayed with cat repellant it is, then.
  • go to the registry and turn in my license in exchange for a new one, since mine expires in a year and i need my calgary address to replace my st. albert one anyway. plus, i no longer look like a braceface 16 year old.
  • mail a letter that i’ve been dragging around in my purse.
  • do laundry! i’m so bad at keeping up with this shit.
  • scoop the litter box. cat poop is stupid. hey tumblr, i see a picture of a cat on my dashboard every two posts, and while they are cute and cuddly, they are fucking shit machines. SHIT MACHINES, I TELL YOU.
  • clean my filthy coffee table so i can actually see its surface. why did i not buy the bigger one? why??? 
  • cook a real dinner, perhaps.
  • watch heathers and paint ‘me nails. how about blue? sounds good to me.
  • pay my internet/tv bill. i hate bills. i fucking hate them.

other things i have to do: clean out my hair out of my piece of shit vaccuum so it starts doing its job, clean my bathtub and sink, do groceries.