Today, a columnist from the Calgary Herald called me with a request to talk about tipping. Without giving me a chance to talk, she went straight into a rant about how it’s not fair that our debit machines have a 20% tip button on them. according to this dumb broad, having a tip option on a debit machine “pressures” clients into tipping.

She then proceeded to suggest that hair stylists should not be tipped at all. Bitch, have you tried cutting your own hair? Are you interested in starting? I was left speechless. I explained to her that in a salon, just like in any service industry, a tip is simply a kind gesture. by no means is it obligatory to tip!

She retaliated with saying that “in a restaurant, you buy food and tip for service. in a bar, you buy alcohol and tip for the service. in a salon, you’re buying a service and then you’re tipping on it again!?”

No, you silly cunt. If i just wanted to buy food, i’d go to a grocery store. I go to a restaurant and pay a higher price for the service of a chef who cooks a meal to my taste. I don’t go to a bar to “buy alcohol” - that’s what liquor stores are for. I go to a bar for the service of a skilled bartender who can mix me a martini. If these services meet my standards, i tip. Likewise, people go to a hair salon and pay a higher price for quality products as well as the service of a skilled hairdresser to cut or colour their hair. If they were only interested in paying for hair dye, they would simply go to Shoppers and pick up a bottle of Loreal.

How about this: I’ll hire you for a day and make you do one service. Just one. Your job is to install about 200-300 strands of keratin bond hair extensions onto a client’s head. You might not know this yet, but this particular service will have you standing on your feet for at least three hours. You will not get a break. Your fingers and wrists will cramp up from repeated hand motions and while you’re doing this, it will also be your responsibility to make sure that the customer is comfortable. That she has a drink and a magazine. When she leaves, this service will cost her several hundred dollars and she will not tip. If you’re lucky, half of what she pays will be on your paycheque. Your paycheque has taxes deducted from it, so really you’re not actually getting all that money. If you’re not lucky, you will get paid your regular hourly wage. That’s right, a measly $12 for every hour of standing, crippling your hands and making sure your client looks like Rapunzel, after which you don’t even get a couple bucks for a coffee.

But that’s fair right, because the client just spent all this money on this service and there’s really no need to give the stylist their gratuity, right? People hate tipping! People only tip because they’re forced to! People in the service industry are here to steal your money!

Right after after i hung up on her, one of my stylists brought her client to the counter to pay for a haircut, the price of which was $50. The woman hands me a $100 bill. “keep the change,” she says. “that’s for my stylist”. Mind you, this woman is a regular client who adores her hair stylist, but still - a fifty fucking dollar tip!

That’s right, paula bitchbag. You think a 20% tip is too much? why don’t you talk to the client who left a 100% tip. Can’t wait to see your article tomorrow. I have a feeling the Herald will be hearing from me soon.